Know which hills to die on and which to walk away from
There are absolutes in life. There is absolute truth.
There are standards that should never change or move. There are rules, behaviors, attitudes, etc. that should remain fixed. However, in the context of raising kids there are also guidelines and rules that can be flexible, gray, or malleable at the appropriate time.
Case in point:
On Sunday mornings getting ready and driving to church you kids could get away with much more slack behavior, conflicts with each other, etc. than at other times. We intentionally would dissipate conflicts in a manner that didn't meet them head on, which most likely would have caused more conflicts or a negative state of mind. Why? Because just like preparing for a sporting or musical event or contest it's best to be in the right frame of mind for church. Having a lousy attitude, being mad at your parents, brothers, etc. is a lousy way to go into church to worship God, learn about him, and minister to others. We could have met the little conflicts in the car head on and turned them into much larger conflicts, but the situation called for a different response because of a larger need.
Don’t die on the wrong hill.
25 May 2010
Kids need to make decisions for themselves but at the right time
For the most part little children need to be told what to do a whole lot more than they need to be given opportunities to decide what to do. They will naturally have their own opinions about things and varying degrees of strength of will. No need to worry about that developing. They need to learn to obey.
While it’s important to raise your kids to think for themselves; make decisions for themselves; be critical thinkers; etc., you can start too early doing that. For example, a two year old does not need to be asked ‘do you want to eat dinner?’ or ‘which clothes would you like to wear?’ or ‘would you like to hold my hand while we cross the street?’ All that does (no scientific basis of knowledge here, just common sense) is teach the kid to question his parents rather than rely on his parents to provide for him, protect him, guide him, etc. And it teaches him that he has more options than he should (yes, he is eating dinner and yes, he is holding your hand).
This is not to say you have to be hard-nosed about things, but there’s a big gap between being an overbearing, controlling, selfish louse and an anything-goes-just-be-a-happy-child parent (using the ‘parent’ term loosely in that context).
There’s plenty of time to ease into teaching decision-making skills. Better to start with the obeying skills first.
While it’s important to raise your kids to think for themselves; make decisions for themselves; be critical thinkers; etc., you can start too early doing that. For example, a two year old does not need to be asked ‘do you want to eat dinner?’ or ‘which clothes would you like to wear?’ or ‘would you like to hold my hand while we cross the street?’ All that does (no scientific basis of knowledge here, just common sense) is teach the kid to question his parents rather than rely on his parents to provide for him, protect him, guide him, etc. And it teaches him that he has more options than he should (yes, he is eating dinner and yes, he is holding your hand).
This is not to say you have to be hard-nosed about things, but there’s a big gap between being an overbearing, controlling, selfish louse and an anything-goes-just-be-a-happy-child parent (using the ‘parent’ term loosely in that context).
There’s plenty of time to ease into teaching decision-making skills. Better to start with the obeying skills first.
22 May 2010
Support even illogical choices
While out on a motorcycle ride today I saw a kids' lemonade stand and was struck by the thought to support your kids' activities and choices (those that are moral, ethical, etc.); even those that may not make a lot of sense or be so logical, but can be learning experiences for them.
Case in point with you, Jonathan.
The school district we lived in began its band program in late grade school. For years you talked about playing the drums. All you wanted to do was play the drums. So we figured when the time came to select an instrument for the school band - you'd be playing the drums.
The school district had an specific way they had the students choose their instruments. Over the course of a few nights in one of the high school gyms all the local music stores and rental companies displayed their instruments by type and the incoming 5th grade students could come in, try them out, and select the instrument they wanted.
Again, you wanted to play drums. You'd talked about it for years. Wanted to play drums.
So, you, your brother, and your mom went to the school gym to select your instruments. Joel picked trumpet, which he'd previously expressed interest in. You, however, got a little distracted. It seems near the front of the gym before you got to the percussion section, was the flute section manned by an attractive, blond woman who must have had the right guile and words to say because you came home with a flue and you strongly emphasized that's what you had wanted to play all along.
So we supported you in that decision during your 5th grade year, because we moved to Chicago at the beginning of your 6th grade year and you promptly switched to drums. And stuck with that decision.
Just a little, silly decision that we could have overturned the night of the instrument selection, but better to let you make that smallish decision and support you in it.
Case in point with you, Jonathan.
The school district we lived in began its band program in late grade school. For years you talked about playing the drums. All you wanted to do was play the drums. So we figured when the time came to select an instrument for the school band - you'd be playing the drums.
The school district had an specific way they had the students choose their instruments. Over the course of a few nights in one of the high school gyms all the local music stores and rental companies displayed their instruments by type and the incoming 5th grade students could come in, try them out, and select the instrument they wanted.
Again, you wanted to play drums. You'd talked about it for years. Wanted to play drums.
So, you, your brother, and your mom went to the school gym to select your instruments. Joel picked trumpet, which he'd previously expressed interest in. You, however, got a little distracted. It seems near the front of the gym before you got to the percussion section, was the flute section manned by an attractive, blond woman who must have had the right guile and words to say because you came home with a flue and you strongly emphasized that's what you had wanted to play all along.
So we supported you in that decision during your 5th grade year, because we moved to Chicago at the beginning of your 6th grade year and you promptly switched to drums. And stuck with that decision.
Just a little, silly decision that we could have overturned the night of the instrument selection, but better to let you make that smallish decision and support you in it.
19 May 2010
Emulate Mary without being Catholic
16 May 2010
Not all quiet on the western front
Not sure what reminded me of this but we learned pretty quickly to not worry about keeping a quiet environment for you to sleep in when you were an infant, baby, etc. If you remember our first house, your bedroom was about ten feet away from our piano; on Wednesday nights we had small group and I played the piano for our worship time; which would usually last 30 minutes to an hour. You all went to sleep before small group and slept through the whole meeting.
You probably got that skill from me. Case in point: one night after we'd gone to bed, Mom was mad at me so she cleaned house which included vacuuming our room - while I was sleeping. She hoped it would disturb me. It did not. And the house got cleaned. Interesting twist.
You probably got that skill from me. Case in point: one night after we'd gone to bed, Mom was mad at me so she cleaned house which included vacuuming our room - while I was sleeping. She hoped it would disturb me. It did not. And the house got cleaned. Interesting twist.
14 May 2010
Parent intentionally, not from convenience
This topic came from your mom - she’s wise. Although I’m still writing it so it may come across as less wise. We were talking about some intentional things we did as parents that I think were very positive and she said the pillowable* quote which is the topic of this post.
Intentional things we did?
- Some time when you were in high school we sat you down and said you no longer had a bedtime. It was your decision as to when to go to bed. You still had a curfew, but if you wanted to stay up till morning, that was your decision and you had to live with the consequences – meaning still getting up in time for school, keeping the grades up, etc.
- When you all were in college or shortly thereafter (I think that was the timing), we told you while you would always be our children, since you were adults and on your own (or mostly) and we would continue to give you advice and recommendations / suggestions we thought of you as adults, so you need to make the decisions, and you can take our advice as advice from somebody who loves you and has been around the block a few times. But the decision you need to make for whatever situation is at hand is your decision. As opposed to doing what we say because we’re the parents. That was a good fallback when you were younger.
Some things done from convenience?
- Mom had this one – not letting you all play outside and get dirty all that much as little kids. Not that you didn’t do it, but you can bet you didn’t do it as much as you probably would have liked because it was just a pain to clean things up after all that fun.
- Cleaning up the kitchen or some other household chore that you didn’t particularly want to do and perhaps didn’t do so well. When it _needed_ to be done, sometimes it was more convenient for us to do it than to struggle with you to teach you how to do it and learn sometimes you have to do things you don’t particularly enjoy just cause they need to get done.
So, while the above may not be all that earth shattering, the subject line still is and is something to remember - parent intentionally, not conveniently.
* a quote you could stitch onto a throw pillow
Intentional things we did?
- Some time when you were in high school we sat you down and said you no longer had a bedtime. It was your decision as to when to go to bed. You still had a curfew, but if you wanted to stay up till morning, that was your decision and you had to live with the consequences – meaning still getting up in time for school, keeping the grades up, etc.
- When you all were in college or shortly thereafter (I think that was the timing), we told you while you would always be our children, since you were adults and on your own (or mostly) and we would continue to give you advice and recommendations / suggestions we thought of you as adults, so you need to make the decisions, and you can take our advice as advice from somebody who loves you and has been around the block a few times. But the decision you need to make for whatever situation is at hand is your decision. As opposed to doing what we say because we’re the parents. That was a good fallback when you were younger.
Some things done from convenience?
- Mom had this one – not letting you all play outside and get dirty all that much as little kids. Not that you didn’t do it, but you can bet you didn’t do it as much as you probably would have liked because it was just a pain to clean things up after all that fun.
- Cleaning up the kitchen or some other household chore that you didn’t particularly want to do and perhaps didn’t do so well. When it _needed_ to be done, sometimes it was more convenient for us to do it than to struggle with you to teach you how to do it and learn sometimes you have to do things you don’t particularly enjoy just cause they need to get done.
So, while the above may not be all that earth shattering, the subject line still is and is something to remember - parent intentionally, not conveniently.
* a quote you could stitch onto a throw pillow
09 May 2010
The sidelines is not the place to be
Many of the thoughts in this blog have or will talk about being involved in your kids’ lives, activities, etc. I think you are well aware of that by example from your mom and I - involvement in school activities, scouts, church, your friends, etc.
The difference I want to point out is that of being involved in your kids’ lives and involving them in your activities vs. just being present and thinking that’ll cut it.
A positive example from my childhood is Mee-mee and Paw-paw’s involvement with their kids through various church activities. As far back as I can remember they volunteered to be weeklong camp counselors at Falls Creek, our church camp. Even beyond that Paw-paw helped out. I remember spending a spring break working at Falls Creek with him to clean up our cabin including wading around in the leach-infested creek that ran in front of it (to clean it, not just give blood). That was a lot of fun and a way for us to work together and be involved together.
On the flip side of things, I also recall many a cold night standing outside while Paw-paw worked on the car and I held a light or handed him a tool. Paw-paw has always been great at fixing pretty much anything and cars were no exception. But rather than getting us kids really involved, we stood on the sidelines and watched. I hold no hard feelings from this; it’s just the way it was. Rather I observed, recalled, and used that as a learning experience (note Paw-paw’s post about the ‘board of education’).
I’ll also use this post as a reminder to myself as a granddad, to be involved in the grandkids’ lives, not just be around them in the same physical location.
Feel free to hold me to that.
The difference I want to point out is that of being involved in your kids’ lives and involving them in your activities vs. just being present and thinking that’ll cut it.
A positive example from my childhood is Mee-mee and Paw-paw’s involvement with their kids through various church activities. As far back as I can remember they volunteered to be weeklong camp counselors at Falls Creek, our church camp. Even beyond that Paw-paw helped out. I remember spending a spring break working at Falls Creek with him to clean up our cabin including wading around in the leach-infested creek that ran in front of it (to clean it, not just give blood). That was a lot of fun and a way for us to work together and be involved together.
On the flip side of things, I also recall many a cold night standing outside while Paw-paw worked on the car and I held a light or handed him a tool. Paw-paw has always been great at fixing pretty much anything and cars were no exception. But rather than getting us kids really involved, we stood on the sidelines and watched. I hold no hard feelings from this; it’s just the way it was. Rather I observed, recalled, and used that as a learning experience (note Paw-paw’s post about the ‘board of education’).
I’ll also use this post as a reminder to myself as a granddad, to be involved in the grandkids’ lives, not just be around them in the same physical location.
Feel free to hold me to that.
06 May 2010
Actions have consequences
One lesson that every child has to learn is that actions have consequences. As your child gains experience in the world around them they need this valuable instruction. Now some would look at this in a negative sense - eg. bad behavior will result in some type of correction or punishment. The positive aspect is that good behavior results in good things.
When your Dad was growing up there was a "board of education" that was used to reward bad behavior. His brother frequently got "educated"! Your father, being the observant type, quickly learned that bad behavior had consequences. Therefore, he seldom had to be "educated"!
Now how do you apply this gem in your child raising? When your child does something "good", reward that behavior with praise and sometimes a special privilege. If the child mis-behaves, first time tell the child that this particular action is not acceptable. [Age appropriate instruction at this juncture]. And tell the child that such behavior in the future will be punished. And at the next infraction apply the punishment. Sounds a bit stern but life can be hard and second chances don't always happen.
What kind of punishment you ask? Again "Age appropriate". A warmed up rear end, sent to bed early, with holding of privileges, time out in the corner. The older the child the more intense the punishment. But after the consequences have been handed out, take that child in your arms with a great hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them and want only the best for them.
Assure them that you are correcting them because you love them.
Proverbs 22:6 says:
TRAIN UP A CHILD in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
This is a promise from God's word that is true and timeless. Notice the qualifier [when he is old].
When the road of parenting seems rocky, remember God's promise. Your responsibility is to TRAIN UP your child and trust the Lord for the results.
When your Dad was growing up there was a "board of education" that was used to reward bad behavior. His brother frequently got "educated"! Your father, being the observant type, quickly learned that bad behavior had consequences. Therefore, he seldom had to be "educated"!
Now how do you apply this gem in your child raising? When your child does something "good", reward that behavior with praise and sometimes a special privilege. If the child mis-behaves, first time tell the child that this particular action is not acceptable. [Age appropriate instruction at this juncture]. And tell the child that such behavior in the future will be punished. And at the next infraction apply the punishment. Sounds a bit stern but life can be hard and second chances don't always happen.
What kind of punishment you ask? Again "Age appropriate". A warmed up rear end, sent to bed early, with holding of privileges, time out in the corner. The older the child the more intense the punishment. But after the consequences have been handed out, take that child in your arms with a great hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them and want only the best for them.
Assure them that you are correcting them because you love them.
This is a promise from God's word that is true and timeless. Notice the qualifier [when he is old].
When the road of parenting seems rocky, remember God's promise. Your responsibility is to TRAIN UP your child and trust the Lord for the results.
04 May 2010
Cinderella for a boy or a girl
I quite like the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman
She spins and she sways To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
Keep it in mind when your kids need you at all ages of their lives. When you can hold them in your arms, when you can dance with them, or play ball with them, or they can drive you to work because they need the car that day, or when they're about to have kids of their own.
01 May 2010
You always have the word :-)
I always tell my married male friends that they always have the last word -- Yes Dear.
But seriously your position as a parent requires that you are sensitive to your spouse. As the Mother she is under a new stress - Motherhood. So look for ways to reduce that stress. Cleanup after a meal. Do the laundry. Run to the store for those things she needs. Make the bed. Run the vacuum. Remove the protective covering [aka. dust] from the furniture. Let her sleep in when junior decides to arise early. Take that 3am shift feeding [if possible]. And remember those special treats she likes. Surprise her with them OFTEN.
Raising kids can have times of conflict. Work TOGETHER to come up with solutions that you both can support. And this should be done in private, out of the ear shot of the child. Don't allow them to be put in a position of coming between you and Mother over the ISSUE. Once the discussion is concluded, close with "Yes Dear".
But seriously your position as a parent requires that you are sensitive to your spouse. As the Mother she is under a new stress - Motherhood. So look for ways to reduce that stress. Cleanup after a meal. Do the laundry. Run to the store for those things she needs. Make the bed. Run the vacuum. Remove the protective covering [aka. dust] from the furniture. Let her sleep in when junior decides to arise early. Take that 3am shift feeding [if possible]. And remember those special treats she likes. Surprise her with them OFTEN.
Raising kids can have times of conflict. Work TOGETHER to come up with solutions that you both can support. And this should be done in private, out of the ear shot of the child. Don't allow them to be put in a position of coming between you and Mother over the ISSUE. Once the discussion is concluded, close with "Yes Dear".
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