Fathers don’t exasperate your children

Col 3:21 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.

Given the amount of teasing that all of us as a family participate in, this might be a surprise comment. Your mom and I intentionally did not tease with you all until you were old enough to understand teasing. We also were careful to not tease each other too much in your presence when you were younger.

Establishing and ensuring a comforting, secure, safe, and loving home for your family is key and since younger kids can’t differentiate between reality and teasing not only can teasing convey the wrong message to their understanding of themselves and relationship with your family, it distorts what are acceptable and unacceptable interactions with others outside the family.

Your grandparents have a case in point where your uncle (aka Jack) referred to one of his elementary school teachers by a teasing name your Mee-mee and Paw-paw used with him, which resulted in him getting in trouble in school (perhaps one of them can add some clarity to this story).

The challenge? When is it good and when is it bad to tease? Refer to the prior post – each situation, child, etc. needs its own answer. Besides, your kids will be adults much longer than they’re children, and as such will have lots of time for fun teasing and kidding around. As you can attest to.

Altitude and attitude and cookies and kids

The advice you take and apply as a parent, the methods by which you raise your kids, discipline your kids, reward your kids; it all needs to be addressed similar to following a recipe (as you know how much I cook, take this analogy with a grain of salt).

Take for instance if you're going to bake a batch of cookies in Miami, FL in a convection oven and use the same recipe, but use a box oven in Denver, CO.  If you follow the recipe to the letter, you will not have the same degree of success at each location.  You have to consider the altitude and cooking environment (and perhaps other things that exceed by culinary intelligence) and make adjustments as necessary to the recipe.

So it is with raising kids.  You can get great advice (hopefully some from here) and if you apply it without considering your family, your kids, their attitude, characteristics, emotions, age, gender, personality, particular situation, circumstances of the moment, etc., you'll have mixed results.

Oh, and when you have more than one child be ready to hear "that's not fair!" when you tweak your child raising recipe.

God enjoys you in the same way, or more so, that you enjoy your kids

Years ago your mom and I were at a big church meeting, conference, revival or something like that held by the charismatic church we attended at the time.  The worship time at these meetings would go on for an hour or more each night (which was great).  In addition to the informally organized dancers, during the worship time there were people running around the arena waving very large banners.  This was not scripted, just something people did spontaneously.

We were sitting in the balcony most of the nights and watching the people running got me to thinking - what does this have to do with worshiping God?  God answered (even though I don't recall directing that question to Him).  God enjoys us experiencing his joy and having fun in Him. Those people running around were glad to be worshiping God, to be in his presence, that's how they were expressing it, and you can bet God was enjoying that expression of joy.

This happened when you all were very young (before Peter was born I believe) and has served as a reminder of God as a father when I would watch you guys play at the park, or wait for you all as you repeated "wait, wait, wait, just a minute, just a minute" while you and your brother prepared to show us your interpretation of "The Nutcracker" (which never happened as I recall).  I enjoyed watching you guys have fun and know that God enjoys us enjoying living in Him through different contexts of our lives.


So....enjoy all the different things your kids do as infants, babies, toddlers, teenagers (?), and young adults.  We grow, God enjoys.

Zippers can hurt

Short and sweet, practical advice today.

You know those footed pajamas that are all one piece with a zipper in front?  Nice and warm and great for little kids.  If you catch skin in the zipper it hurts really bad?  I know I did that at least once when you and Joel were wearing those PJ's.  Peter got lucky with this one as I'd learned the following trick -

Put your finger in between the skin and the zipper with your thumb grasping the outside of the zipper.  Then zip.  No skin.  No Pain.  Happy child.

Never babysit your kids

This helpful hint came from your mom.  Never babysit your kids.  That doesn't mean you're not responsible for taking care of the kids, it just means that you as a father are not a babysitter.  I suppose that could be correlated to the difference between a shepherd and a hired hand.  The shepherd has a vested interested in the flock, the hired hand is just interested in the buck.

So....babysit other kids, but never your own.

A closely related item to this (again from Mom) is to help with everything.  There is no job that is "the mom's" job.  You can do diapers, bath, feeding, etc.  That comes from experience since your mom and I fed you every two to three hours for the first six months of your life.  Very little sleep for either one of us.

 Oddly enough, there is a 'husband's" only job, at least during the pregnancy - emptying the cat box.  But I believe there is a health reason for that one.

As well, I've been told from a reliable source (your mom) that wives find husbands very sexy when they're doing the dishes, ironing, etc.  And that's always a good thing.

Be a dad all the time

I just flew to LA and was reminded how important it is for a dad to be a dad all the time.  Be "on" all the time.  You get to rest when the kids are sleeping (although perhaps not completely at rest).  What am I saying?

On one of the legs to LA a young boy, three or younger or something like that that sat right behind me.  His dad was beside him in the middle seat and Mom beside Dad.  Most of the flight the kid kicked my seat, stood in his seat leaning and grabbing the back of mine, etc.  Pretty much being a little kid.  To some degree that's okay, but I can think of very few reasons why a kid needs to kick the seat in front of him.  He did it because it was part of being a kid and part of entertaining himself.

How does that tie in to the title?  Dad was right beside the boy during the whole flight, reading a book, and letting the boy do what he wanted regardless of the impact on those around him.  What would I suggest Dad do instead?  Put the book down and spend the time with his kid providing the entertainment the boy needs.  Kids that age are not naturally intended to fly cross-country in an airplane (could be said for anybody at any age) so that needs to be considered and Dad should have stepped in to help make the flight enjoyable for the boy and for those around (and definitely in front of) him.  Read to him, color with him, eat with him, distract him, etc.  That's what kids of that age need for entertainment - especially in an atmosphere like that.

This is a tough balance between letting kids be kids, but it's also what helps differentiate between a dad and a great dad.

By the way, all these little tips are like a mosaic, they work best when applied together rather than as discrete actions.

Proud from the begining

Wanting to tell everyone about my new grand kids but not wanting to annoy people by starting a conversation by saying "have you heard about my new grandchildren, there are two of them" I took a different approach by photographing you and your brother and made 3" photo buttons which I wore every day for about a month. I never had to start a conversation about you. Your Mom made me a new sweat shirt with your and Joel's hand prints in it. White shirt- red and blue hand prints. I still wear it proudly and when your Mom found out that I still had it she made another one last year-I haven't worn it yet and will hold off until have a new set of hand prints added.

Tale of the "POO" reprise

I remember the telling of the tale of the "poo". But another I vividly recall was that your dad's brother discovered a way to "pee" without leaving his room OR bed. The Headboard was a metal frame. The post had caps on them. Removing the cap, Uncle Jack used the post void to "void" and replaced the cap. Soon the distinctive odor of urine began to come from his room. Then we discovered a puddle of rusty water under that post. Stern corrective word were issued and out of both of your hearing and sight MeMee and I had a great laugh. Remember the Scout motto of "Be Prepared" and expect your kids to surprise you in original and challenging ways. It's part of the vaulted title of PARENT and life with your children is to short to spend it upset over the small stuff.

A Family Grows

Grandmother & I were were living a peacefull life, just the two of us in a nice sized 4 bed room house when all of a sudden things began to change. Your Dad graduated from Baylor University and your Mom & Dad decided to move to Kansas City, get a job and settle down. Grandmother & I suggested that they live with us until a job was found. We knew that your Mom was expecting but when we found out that it was not one but two that were on the way it was decided that everyone should continue at our house where it would be easier to care for the double trouble we were expecting. God works in mysterious ways. With this arrangement Grandmother & I had an opportunity to get to know our new son-in law who we had not been around very much and to welcome our first grand childten into our lives. From the two of us we quickly grew into four then into six. Our lives were changed forever, all for the better.

?nwod edispu daer uoy naC

That's backwards because I'm not aware of an upside down font.  And if your backward reading skills are a little weak the title is "can you read upside down?"

Before you all could read for yourselves I would read stories to you pretty much every night before bed.  Frequently we'd sit together on the couch, but other times we'd read on the floor and you and your brothers would be on one side of the book and I'd be on the other – thus the need to read upside down.  I became pretty adept at it – especially with sans serif fonts.  Word of warning Dr. Seuss books are a bit of a challenge.

Not earth shattering, nor resume building (although useful in contract negotiations), but a useful skill nonetheless.

Enjoy your kids being kids

I was reminded of this story when Mom was talking with Joel earlier this week.

When you all (Joel and Jonathan) were very young, still in diapers and cribs, Mom put you two down for your afternoon nap one day and after a few moments of commotion and then quiet, she figured you all were asleep.  After your reasonable sleep time Mom entered the room to a big surprise.  There you two were asleep in your own cribs, with your respective diapers removed and laying up by your head.  Not so bad.  The poo smeared all over the wall and thrown around the room, though?  Not so good.

Mom was able to take pictures of you two (none posted here, yet) before she got upset, woke you up, and reprimanded the behavior.

What to learn?  Yeah, it's a pain to clean up a mess like that but you were babies.  And babies like to explore things.  Everything.

Lots more stories we could share, but remember to enjoy your kids at whatever stage they are in even when the behavior may be *immature*....enjoy feeding them, burping them, washing them, reading to them, playing games with them, listening to them read, helping them with homework, lending them the keys to the car, getting beaten at games by them, seeing them get married, have kids, etc., etc.
 

Intentional and Accidental Impact

Jennifer asked me what is something you deliberately did that had the biggest impact on the kids?  And what is something you accidentally did that had the biggest impact on the kids?

I'm not one for superlatives as they tend to be too subjective.  So rather than saying the 'biggest' impact, I'd offer up some things that had a 'big' impact.

Intentional actions

1- Reading to you pretty much every night before bedtime, or listening to your reading when you were older.

Of course I also remember times when I was so tired I would fall asleep while reading to you...or just start mumbling words because I was falling asleep.  Then one of you would poke me and ask what I was doing.  No excuses, just tired.

The original "Peter Pan" is a fantastic book for reading out loud to your kids.  The sentence structures are great.  The story is great, etc.

I was really happy that Mee-mee and Paw-paw gave us the blue Bible story books when you all were young and we could share those together.  I remember reading those bible story books as a kid and it was great to share them with you all.

2- Individually praying for you and tucking you into bed every night.

We prayed for you when you were too young to pray and then listened to your prayers as you got older.  It was great when you would request us to pray with you and for you.

3- Being involved in your activities

Music was probably the biggest intentional thing we shared.  It was so fun to watch you all grow in your musical abilities and see you bless others with your abilities.  Accompanying you all at numerous IHSA events or other auditions is another great memory.

While none of you continued with sports, our few years as coach / father / son in baseball and basketball was an intentional activity we shared.  Of course I won't go into detail in this posting when Jonathan was an umpire in little league and umped a game where I was coaching Peter's team.  That's part of another book.  It was a growing experience for both of us.

Who knows what your kids will do, but intentionally be involved in their life.  And don't wait till they're at 'the right age'.  Start from the time they're born.  Make it a priority.

Accidental Impact

- Boy scouts

That pretty much sums it up.  I didn't have good experiences with the short time I was in scouts as a kid and had never thought about getting you all involved in scouts.  However, I'm very thankful Jennifer got you all going as Tigers.  And as all three of you are Eagles, I'd say you are glad too.

Scouts is a great program that can teach great life skills - if you have the right adults involved.  If you have sons I hope you can share scouts with them and you'll be one of those adults who can help lead your sons and others.

While only Peter was interested in doing Philmont, that was a great time together.  We'd both go back to Philmont in a heartbeat.  And none of us will forget the Klondike derby sleeping in tents in -6 degree weather.  Watching all three of you lead the whole troop as the Senior Patrol Leader was an incredible experience.

Shared experiences - that's one of the things scouts can provide and I hope you can share with your kids.  If not scouts, shared experiences, that's a great thing.

Ideas for posting

1. Ways to serve
2. Are you a leader or a servant?
3. Be a super model, not a talking head.
4. How do you model being a husband to your kids? 
5. What scriptures have helped you as a Dad (and provide some examples, anecdotes, etc.)? 
6. How do you balance work and family? 
7. What do you do when you’re trying to relax and your son wants to play? 
8. How do you help your kids learn to make decisions? 
9. How should discipline change as kids grow? 
10. How do you teach your kids to make good decisions?

I'll be sharing about these in the coming weeks / months / etc. and welcome you to join the conversation.