Know which hills to die on and which to walk away from
There are absolutes in life. There is absolute truth.
There are standards that should never change or move. There are rules, behaviors, attitudes, etc. that should remain fixed. However, in the context of raising kids there are also guidelines and rules that can be flexible, gray, or malleable at the appropriate time.
Case in point:
On Sunday mornings getting ready and driving to church you kids could get away with much more slack behavior, conflicts with each other, etc. than at other times. We intentionally would dissipate conflicts in a manner that didn't meet them head on, which most likely would have caused more conflicts or a negative state of mind. Why? Because just like preparing for a sporting or musical event or contest it's best to be in the right frame of mind for church. Having a lousy attitude, being mad at your parents, brothers, etc. is a lousy way to go into church to worship God, learn about him, and minister to others. We could have met the little conflicts in the car head on and turned them into much larger conflicts, but the situation called for a different response because of a larger need.
Don’t die on the wrong hill.
25 May 2010
Kids need to make decisions for themselves but at the right time
For the most part little children need to be told what to do a whole lot more than they need to be given opportunities to decide what to do. They will naturally have their own opinions about things and varying degrees of strength of will. No need to worry about that developing. They need to learn to obey.
While it’s important to raise your kids to think for themselves; make decisions for themselves; be critical thinkers; etc., you can start too early doing that. For example, a two year old does not need to be asked ‘do you want to eat dinner?’ or ‘which clothes would you like to wear?’ or ‘would you like to hold my hand while we cross the street?’ All that does (no scientific basis of knowledge here, just common sense) is teach the kid to question his parents rather than rely on his parents to provide for him, protect him, guide him, etc. And it teaches him that he has more options than he should (yes, he is eating dinner and yes, he is holding your hand).
This is not to say you have to be hard-nosed about things, but there’s a big gap between being an overbearing, controlling, selfish louse and an anything-goes-just-be-a-happy-child parent (using the ‘parent’ term loosely in that context).
There’s plenty of time to ease into teaching decision-making skills. Better to start with the obeying skills first.
While it’s important to raise your kids to think for themselves; make decisions for themselves; be critical thinkers; etc., you can start too early doing that. For example, a two year old does not need to be asked ‘do you want to eat dinner?’ or ‘which clothes would you like to wear?’ or ‘would you like to hold my hand while we cross the street?’ All that does (no scientific basis of knowledge here, just common sense) is teach the kid to question his parents rather than rely on his parents to provide for him, protect him, guide him, etc. And it teaches him that he has more options than he should (yes, he is eating dinner and yes, he is holding your hand).
This is not to say you have to be hard-nosed about things, but there’s a big gap between being an overbearing, controlling, selfish louse and an anything-goes-just-be-a-happy-child parent (using the ‘parent’ term loosely in that context).
There’s plenty of time to ease into teaching decision-making skills. Better to start with the obeying skills first.
22 May 2010
Support even illogical choices
While out on a motorcycle ride today I saw a kids' lemonade stand and was struck by the thought to support your kids' activities and choices (those that are moral, ethical, etc.); even those that may not make a lot of sense or be so logical, but can be learning experiences for them.
Case in point with you, Jonathan.
The school district we lived in began its band program in late grade school. For years you talked about playing the drums. All you wanted to do was play the drums. So we figured when the time came to select an instrument for the school band - you'd be playing the drums.
The school district had an specific way they had the students choose their instruments. Over the course of a few nights in one of the high school gyms all the local music stores and rental companies displayed their instruments by type and the incoming 5th grade students could come in, try them out, and select the instrument they wanted.
Again, you wanted to play drums. You'd talked about it for years. Wanted to play drums.
So, you, your brother, and your mom went to the school gym to select your instruments. Joel picked trumpet, which he'd previously expressed interest in. You, however, got a little distracted. It seems near the front of the gym before you got to the percussion section, was the flute section manned by an attractive, blond woman who must have had the right guile and words to say because you came home with a flue and you strongly emphasized that's what you had wanted to play all along.
So we supported you in that decision during your 5th grade year, because we moved to Chicago at the beginning of your 6th grade year and you promptly switched to drums. And stuck with that decision.
Just a little, silly decision that we could have overturned the night of the instrument selection, but better to let you make that smallish decision and support you in it.
Case in point with you, Jonathan.
The school district we lived in began its band program in late grade school. For years you talked about playing the drums. All you wanted to do was play the drums. So we figured when the time came to select an instrument for the school band - you'd be playing the drums.
The school district had an specific way they had the students choose their instruments. Over the course of a few nights in one of the high school gyms all the local music stores and rental companies displayed their instruments by type and the incoming 5th grade students could come in, try them out, and select the instrument they wanted.
Again, you wanted to play drums. You'd talked about it for years. Wanted to play drums.
So, you, your brother, and your mom went to the school gym to select your instruments. Joel picked trumpet, which he'd previously expressed interest in. You, however, got a little distracted. It seems near the front of the gym before you got to the percussion section, was the flute section manned by an attractive, blond woman who must have had the right guile and words to say because you came home with a flue and you strongly emphasized that's what you had wanted to play all along.
So we supported you in that decision during your 5th grade year, because we moved to Chicago at the beginning of your 6th grade year and you promptly switched to drums. And stuck with that decision.
Just a little, silly decision that we could have overturned the night of the instrument selection, but better to let you make that smallish decision and support you in it.
19 May 2010
Emulate Mary without being Catholic
16 May 2010
Not all quiet on the western front
Not sure what reminded me of this but we learned pretty quickly to not worry about keeping a quiet environment for you to sleep in when you were an infant, baby, etc. If you remember our first house, your bedroom was about ten feet away from our piano; on Wednesday nights we had small group and I played the piano for our worship time; which would usually last 30 minutes to an hour. You all went to sleep before small group and slept through the whole meeting.
You probably got that skill from me. Case in point: one night after we'd gone to bed, Mom was mad at me so she cleaned house which included vacuuming our room - while I was sleeping. She hoped it would disturb me. It did not. And the house got cleaned. Interesting twist.
You probably got that skill from me. Case in point: one night after we'd gone to bed, Mom was mad at me so she cleaned house which included vacuuming our room - while I was sleeping. She hoped it would disturb me. It did not. And the house got cleaned. Interesting twist.
14 May 2010
Parent intentionally, not from convenience
This topic came from your mom - she’s wise. Although I’m still writing it so it may come across as less wise. We were talking about some intentional things we did as parents that I think were very positive and she said the pillowable* quote which is the topic of this post.
Intentional things we did?
- Some time when you were in high school we sat you down and said you no longer had a bedtime. It was your decision as to when to go to bed. You still had a curfew, but if you wanted to stay up till morning, that was your decision and you had to live with the consequences – meaning still getting up in time for school, keeping the grades up, etc.
- When you all were in college or shortly thereafter (I think that was the timing), we told you while you would always be our children, since you were adults and on your own (or mostly) and we would continue to give you advice and recommendations / suggestions we thought of you as adults, so you need to make the decisions, and you can take our advice as advice from somebody who loves you and has been around the block a few times. But the decision you need to make for whatever situation is at hand is your decision. As opposed to doing what we say because we’re the parents. That was a good fallback when you were younger.
Some things done from convenience?
- Mom had this one – not letting you all play outside and get dirty all that much as little kids. Not that you didn’t do it, but you can bet you didn’t do it as much as you probably would have liked because it was just a pain to clean things up after all that fun.
- Cleaning up the kitchen or some other household chore that you didn’t particularly want to do and perhaps didn’t do so well. When it _needed_ to be done, sometimes it was more convenient for us to do it than to struggle with you to teach you how to do it and learn sometimes you have to do things you don’t particularly enjoy just cause they need to get done.
So, while the above may not be all that earth shattering, the subject line still is and is something to remember - parent intentionally, not conveniently.
* a quote you could stitch onto a throw pillow
Intentional things we did?
- Some time when you were in high school we sat you down and said you no longer had a bedtime. It was your decision as to when to go to bed. You still had a curfew, but if you wanted to stay up till morning, that was your decision and you had to live with the consequences – meaning still getting up in time for school, keeping the grades up, etc.
- When you all were in college or shortly thereafter (I think that was the timing), we told you while you would always be our children, since you were adults and on your own (or mostly) and we would continue to give you advice and recommendations / suggestions we thought of you as adults, so you need to make the decisions, and you can take our advice as advice from somebody who loves you and has been around the block a few times. But the decision you need to make for whatever situation is at hand is your decision. As opposed to doing what we say because we’re the parents. That was a good fallback when you were younger.
Some things done from convenience?
- Mom had this one – not letting you all play outside and get dirty all that much as little kids. Not that you didn’t do it, but you can bet you didn’t do it as much as you probably would have liked because it was just a pain to clean things up after all that fun.
- Cleaning up the kitchen or some other household chore that you didn’t particularly want to do and perhaps didn’t do so well. When it _needed_ to be done, sometimes it was more convenient for us to do it than to struggle with you to teach you how to do it and learn sometimes you have to do things you don’t particularly enjoy just cause they need to get done.
So, while the above may not be all that earth shattering, the subject line still is and is something to remember - parent intentionally, not conveniently.
* a quote you could stitch onto a throw pillow
09 May 2010
The sidelines is not the place to be
Many of the thoughts in this blog have or will talk about being involved in your kids’ lives, activities, etc. I think you are well aware of that by example from your mom and I - involvement in school activities, scouts, church, your friends, etc.
The difference I want to point out is that of being involved in your kids’ lives and involving them in your activities vs. just being present and thinking that’ll cut it.
A positive example from my childhood is Mee-mee and Paw-paw’s involvement with their kids through various church activities. As far back as I can remember they volunteered to be weeklong camp counselors at Falls Creek, our church camp. Even beyond that Paw-paw helped out. I remember spending a spring break working at Falls Creek with him to clean up our cabin including wading around in the leach-infested creek that ran in front of it (to clean it, not just give blood). That was a lot of fun and a way for us to work together and be involved together.
On the flip side of things, I also recall many a cold night standing outside while Paw-paw worked on the car and I held a light or handed him a tool. Paw-paw has always been great at fixing pretty much anything and cars were no exception. But rather than getting us kids really involved, we stood on the sidelines and watched. I hold no hard feelings from this; it’s just the way it was. Rather I observed, recalled, and used that as a learning experience (note Paw-paw’s post about the ‘board of education’).
I’ll also use this post as a reminder to myself as a granddad, to be involved in the grandkids’ lives, not just be around them in the same physical location.
Feel free to hold me to that.
The difference I want to point out is that of being involved in your kids’ lives and involving them in your activities vs. just being present and thinking that’ll cut it.
A positive example from my childhood is Mee-mee and Paw-paw’s involvement with their kids through various church activities. As far back as I can remember they volunteered to be weeklong camp counselors at Falls Creek, our church camp. Even beyond that Paw-paw helped out. I remember spending a spring break working at Falls Creek with him to clean up our cabin including wading around in the leach-infested creek that ran in front of it (to clean it, not just give blood). That was a lot of fun and a way for us to work together and be involved together.
On the flip side of things, I also recall many a cold night standing outside while Paw-paw worked on the car and I held a light or handed him a tool. Paw-paw has always been great at fixing pretty much anything and cars were no exception. But rather than getting us kids really involved, we stood on the sidelines and watched. I hold no hard feelings from this; it’s just the way it was. Rather I observed, recalled, and used that as a learning experience (note Paw-paw’s post about the ‘board of education’).
I’ll also use this post as a reminder to myself as a granddad, to be involved in the grandkids’ lives, not just be around them in the same physical location.
Feel free to hold me to that.
06 May 2010
Actions have consequences
One lesson that every child has to learn is that actions have consequences. As your child gains experience in the world around them they need this valuable instruction. Now some would look at this in a negative sense - eg. bad behavior will result in some type of correction or punishment. The positive aspect is that good behavior results in good things.
When your Dad was growing up there was a "board of education" that was used to reward bad behavior. His brother frequently got "educated"! Your father, being the observant type, quickly learned that bad behavior had consequences. Therefore, he seldom had to be "educated"!
Now how do you apply this gem in your child raising? When your child does something "good", reward that behavior with praise and sometimes a special privilege. If the child mis-behaves, first time tell the child that this particular action is not acceptable. [Age appropriate instruction at this juncture]. And tell the child that such behavior in the future will be punished. And at the next infraction apply the punishment. Sounds a bit stern but life can be hard and second chances don't always happen.
What kind of punishment you ask? Again "Age appropriate". A warmed up rear end, sent to bed early, with holding of privileges, time out in the corner. The older the child the more intense the punishment. But after the consequences have been handed out, take that child in your arms with a great hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them and want only the best for them.
Assure them that you are correcting them because you love them.
Proverbs 22:6 says:
TRAIN UP A CHILD in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
This is a promise from God's word that is true and timeless. Notice the qualifier [when he is old].
When the road of parenting seems rocky, remember God's promise. Your responsibility is to TRAIN UP your child and trust the Lord for the results.
When your Dad was growing up there was a "board of education" that was used to reward bad behavior. His brother frequently got "educated"! Your father, being the observant type, quickly learned that bad behavior had consequences. Therefore, he seldom had to be "educated"!
Now how do you apply this gem in your child raising? When your child does something "good", reward that behavior with praise and sometimes a special privilege. If the child mis-behaves, first time tell the child that this particular action is not acceptable. [Age appropriate instruction at this juncture]. And tell the child that such behavior in the future will be punished. And at the next infraction apply the punishment. Sounds a bit stern but life can be hard and second chances don't always happen.
What kind of punishment you ask? Again "Age appropriate". A warmed up rear end, sent to bed early, with holding of privileges, time out in the corner. The older the child the more intense the punishment. But after the consequences have been handed out, take that child in your arms with a great hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them and want only the best for them.
Assure them that you are correcting them because you love them.
This is a promise from God's word that is true and timeless. Notice the qualifier [when he is old].
When the road of parenting seems rocky, remember God's promise. Your responsibility is to TRAIN UP your child and trust the Lord for the results.
04 May 2010
Cinderella for a boy or a girl
I quite like the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman
She spins and she sways To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
Keep it in mind when your kids need you at all ages of their lives. When you can hold them in your arms, when you can dance with them, or play ball with them, or they can drive you to work because they need the car that day, or when they're about to have kids of their own.
01 May 2010
You always have the word :-)
I always tell my married male friends that they always have the last word -- Yes Dear.
But seriously your position as a parent requires that you are sensitive to your spouse. As the Mother she is under a new stress - Motherhood. So look for ways to reduce that stress. Cleanup after a meal. Do the laundry. Run to the store for those things she needs. Make the bed. Run the vacuum. Remove the protective covering [aka. dust] from the furniture. Let her sleep in when junior decides to arise early. Take that 3am shift feeding [if possible]. And remember those special treats she likes. Surprise her with them OFTEN.
Raising kids can have times of conflict. Work TOGETHER to come up with solutions that you both can support. And this should be done in private, out of the ear shot of the child. Don't allow them to be put in a position of coming between you and Mother over the ISSUE. Once the discussion is concluded, close with "Yes Dear".
But seriously your position as a parent requires that you are sensitive to your spouse. As the Mother she is under a new stress - Motherhood. So look for ways to reduce that stress. Cleanup after a meal. Do the laundry. Run to the store for those things she needs. Make the bed. Run the vacuum. Remove the protective covering [aka. dust] from the furniture. Let her sleep in when junior decides to arise early. Take that 3am shift feeding [if possible]. And remember those special treats she likes. Surprise her with them OFTEN.
Raising kids can have times of conflict. Work TOGETHER to come up with solutions that you both can support. And this should be done in private, out of the ear shot of the child. Don't allow them to be put in a position of coming between you and Mother over the ISSUE. Once the discussion is concluded, close with "Yes Dear".
30 April 2010
Fathers don’t exasperate your children
Col 3:21 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.
Given the amount of teasing that all of us as a family participate in, this might be a surprise comment. Your mom and I intentionally did not tease with you all until you were old enough to understand teasing. We also were careful to not tease each other too much in your presence when you were younger.
Establishing and ensuring a comforting, secure, safe, and loving home for your family is key and since younger kids can’t differentiate between reality and teasing not only can teasing convey the wrong message to their understanding of themselves and relationship with your family, it distorts what are acceptable and unacceptable interactions with others outside the family.
Your grandparents have a case in point where your uncle (aka Jack) referred to one of his elementary school teachers by a teasing name your Mee-mee and Paw-paw used with him, which resulted in him getting in trouble in school (perhaps one of them can add some clarity to this story).
The challenge? When is it good and when is it bad to tease? Refer to the prior post – each situation, child, etc. needs its own answer. Besides, your kids will be adults much longer than they’re children, and as such will have lots of time for fun teasing and kidding around. As you can attest to.
Given the amount of teasing that all of us as a family participate in, this might be a surprise comment. Your mom and I intentionally did not tease with you all until you were old enough to understand teasing. We also were careful to not tease each other too much in your presence when you were younger.
Establishing and ensuring a comforting, secure, safe, and loving home for your family is key and since younger kids can’t differentiate between reality and teasing not only can teasing convey the wrong message to their understanding of themselves and relationship with your family, it distorts what are acceptable and unacceptable interactions with others outside the family.
Your grandparents have a case in point where your uncle (aka Jack) referred to one of his elementary school teachers by a teasing name your Mee-mee and Paw-paw used with him, which resulted in him getting in trouble in school (perhaps one of them can add some clarity to this story).
The challenge? When is it good and when is it bad to tease? Refer to the prior post – each situation, child, etc. needs its own answer. Besides, your kids will be adults much longer than they’re children, and as such will have lots of time for fun teasing and kidding around. As you can attest to.
27 April 2010
Altitude and attitude and cookies and kids
The advice you take and apply as a parent, the methods by which you raise your kids, discipline your kids, reward your kids; it all needs to be addressed similar to following a recipe (as you know how much I cook, take this analogy with a grain of salt).
Take for instance if you're going to bake a batch of cookies in Miami, FL in a convection oven and use the same recipe, but use a box oven in Denver, CO. If you follow the recipe to the letter, you will not have the same degree of success at each location. You have to consider the altitude and cooking environment (and perhaps other things that exceed by culinary intelligence) and make adjustments as necessary to the recipe.
So it is with raising kids. You can get great advice (hopefully some from here) and if you apply it without considering your family, your kids, their attitude, characteristics, emotions, age, gender, personality, particular situation, circumstances of the moment, etc., you'll have mixed results.
Oh, and when you have more than one child be ready to hear "that's not fair!" when you tweak your child raising recipe.
Take for instance if you're going to bake a batch of cookies in Miami, FL in a convection oven and use the same recipe, but use a box oven in Denver, CO. If you follow the recipe to the letter, you will not have the same degree of success at each location. You have to consider the altitude and cooking environment (and perhaps other things that exceed by culinary intelligence) and make adjustments as necessary to the recipe.
So it is with raising kids. You can get great advice (hopefully some from here) and if you apply it without considering your family, your kids, their attitude, characteristics, emotions, age, gender, personality, particular situation, circumstances of the moment, etc., you'll have mixed results.
Oh, and when you have more than one child be ready to hear "that's not fair!" when you tweak your child raising recipe.
22 April 2010
God enjoys you in the same way, or more so, that you enjoy your kids
Years ago your mom and I were at a big church meeting, conference, revival or something like that held by the charismatic church we attended at the time. The worship time at these meetings would go on for an hour or more each night (which was great). In addition to the informally organized dancers, during the worship time there were people running around the arena waving very large banners. This was not scripted, just something people did spontaneously.
We were sitting in the balcony most of the nights and watching the people running got me to thinking - what does this have to do with worshiping God? God answered (even though I don't recall directing that question to Him). God enjoys us experiencing his joy and having fun in Him. Those people running around were glad to be worshiping God, to be in his presence, that's how they were expressing it, and you can bet God was enjoying that expression of joy.
This happened when you all were very young (before Peter was born I believe) and has served as a reminder of God as a father when I would watch you guys play at the park, or wait for you all as you repeated "wait, wait, wait, just a minute, just a minute" while you and your brother prepared to show us your interpretation of "The Nutcracker" (which never happened as I recall). I enjoyed watching you guys have fun and know that God enjoys us enjoying living in Him through different contexts of our lives.
So....enjoy all the different things your kids do as infants, babies, toddlers, teenagers (?), and young adults. We grow, God enjoys.
We were sitting in the balcony most of the nights and watching the people running got me to thinking - what does this have to do with worshiping God? God answered (even though I don't recall directing that question to Him). God enjoys us experiencing his joy and having fun in Him. Those people running around were glad to be worshiping God, to be in his presence, that's how they were expressing it, and you can bet God was enjoying that expression of joy.
This happened when you all were very young (before Peter was born I believe) and has served as a reminder of God as a father when I would watch you guys play at the park, or wait for you all as you repeated "wait, wait, wait, just a minute, just a minute" while you and your brother prepared to show us your interpretation of "The Nutcracker" (which never happened as I recall). I enjoyed watching you guys have fun and know that God enjoys us enjoying living in Him through different contexts of our lives.
So....enjoy all the different things your kids do as infants, babies, toddlers, teenagers (?), and young adults. We grow, God enjoys.
16 April 2010
Zippers can hurt
Short and sweet, practical advice today.
You know those footed pajamas that are all one piece with a zipper in front? Nice and warm and great for little kids. If you catch skin in the zipper it hurts really bad? I know I did that at least once when you and Joel were wearing those PJ's. Peter got lucky with this one as I'd learned the following trick -
Put your finger in between the skin and the zipper with your thumb grasping the outside of the zipper. Then zip. No skin. No Pain. Happy child.
You know those footed pajamas that are all one piece with a zipper in front? Nice and warm and great for little kids. If you catch skin in the zipper it hurts really bad? I know I did that at least once when you and Joel were wearing those PJ's. Peter got lucky with this one as I'd learned the following trick -
Put your finger in between the skin and the zipper with your thumb grasping the outside of the zipper. Then zip. No skin. No Pain. Happy child.
06 April 2010
Never babysit your kids
This helpful hint came from your mom. Never babysit your kids. That doesn't mean you're not responsible for taking care of the kids, it just means that you as a father are not a babysitter. I suppose that could be correlated to the difference between a shepherd and a hired hand. The shepherd has a vested interested in the flock, the hired hand is just interested in the buck.
So....babysit other kids, but never your own.
A closely related item to this (again from Mom) is to help with everything. There is no job that is "the mom's" job. You can do diapers, bath, feeding, etc. That comes from experience since your mom and I fed you every two to three hours for the first six months of your life. Very little sleep for either one of us.
Oddly enough, there is a 'husband's" only job, at least during the pregnancy - emptying the cat box. But I believe there is a health reason for that one.
As well, I've been told from a reliable source (your mom) that wives find husbands very sexy when they're doing the dishes, ironing, etc. And that's always a good thing.
So....babysit other kids, but never your own.
A closely related item to this (again from Mom) is to help with everything. There is no job that is "the mom's" job. You can do diapers, bath, feeding, etc. That comes from experience since your mom and I fed you every two to three hours for the first six months of your life. Very little sleep for either one of us.
Oddly enough, there is a 'husband's" only job, at least during the pregnancy - emptying the cat box. But I believe there is a health reason for that one.
As well, I've been told from a reliable source (your mom) that wives find husbands very sexy when they're doing the dishes, ironing, etc. And that's always a good thing.
04 April 2010
Be a dad all the time
I just flew to LA and was reminded how important it is for a dad to be a dad all the time. Be "on" all the time. You get to rest when the kids are sleeping (although perhaps not completely at rest). What am I saying?
On one of the legs to LA a young boy, three or younger or something like that that sat right behind me. His dad was beside him in the middle seat and Mom beside Dad. Most of the flight the kid kicked my seat, stood in his seat leaning and grabbing the back of mine, etc. Pretty much being a little kid. To some degree that's okay, but I can think of very few reasons why a kid needs to kick the seat in front of him. He did it because it was part of being a kid and part of entertaining himself.
How does that tie in to the title? Dad was right beside the boy during the whole flight, reading a book, and letting the boy do what he wanted regardless of the impact on those around him. What would I suggest Dad do instead? Put the book down and spend the time with his kid providing the entertainment the boy needs. Kids that age are not naturally intended to fly cross-country in an airplane (could be said for anybody at any age) so that needs to be considered and Dad should have stepped in to help make the flight enjoyable for the boy and for those around (and definitely in front of) him. Read to him, color with him, eat with him, distract him, etc. That's what kids of that age need for entertainment - especially in an atmosphere like that.
This is a tough balance between letting kids be kids, but it's also what helps differentiate between a dad and a great dad.
By the way, all these little tips are like a mosaic, they work best when applied together rather than as discrete actions.
31 March 2010
Proud from the begining
Wanting to tell everyone about my new grand kids but not wanting to annoy people by starting a conversation by saying "have you heard about my new grandchildren, there are two of them" I took a different approach by photographing you and your brother and made 3" photo buttons which I wore every day for about a month. I never had to start a conversation about you. Your Mom made me a new sweat shirt with your and Joel's hand prints in it. White shirt- red and blue hand prints. I still wear it proudly and when your Mom found out that I still had it she made another one last year-I haven't worn it yet and will hold off until have a new set of hand prints added.
30 March 2010
Tale of the "POO" reprise
I remember the telling of the tale of the "poo". But another I vividly recall was that your dad's brother discovered a way to "pee" without leaving his room OR bed. The Headboard was a metal frame. The post had caps on them. Removing the cap, Uncle Jack used the post void to "void" and replaced the cap. Soon the distinctive odor of urine began to come from his room. Then we discovered a puddle of rusty water under that post. Stern corrective word were issued and out of both of your hearing and sight MeMee and I had a great laugh. Remember the Scout motto of "Be Prepared" and expect your kids to surprise you in original and challenging ways. It's part of the vaulted title of PARENT and life with your children is to short to spend it upset over the small stuff.
29 March 2010
A Family Grows
Grandmother & I were were living a peacefull life, just the two of us in a nice sized 4 bed room house when all of a sudden things began to change. Your Dad graduated from Baylor University and your Mom & Dad decided to move to Kansas City, get a job and settle down. Grandmother & I suggested that they live with us until a job was found. We knew that your Mom was expecting but when we found out that it was not one but two that were on the way it was decided that everyone should continue at our house where it would be easier to care for the double trouble we were expecting. God works in mysterious ways. With this arrangement Grandmother & I had an opportunity to get to know our new son-in law who we had not been around very much and to welcome our first grand childten into our lives. From the two of us we quickly grew into four then into six. Our lives were changed forever, all for the better.
19 March 2010
?nwod edispu daer uoy naC
That's backwards because I'm not aware of an upside down font. And if your backward reading skills are a little weak the title is "can you read upside down?"
Before you all could read for yourselves I would read stories to you pretty much every night before bed. Frequently we'd sit together on the couch, but other times we'd read on the floor and you and your brothers would be on one side of the book and I'd be on the other – thus the need to read upside down. I became pretty adept at it – especially with sans serif fonts. Word of warning Dr. Seuss books are a bit of a challenge.
Not earth shattering, nor resume building (although useful in contract negotiations), but a useful skill nonetheless.
Before you all could read for yourselves I would read stories to you pretty much every night before bed. Frequently we'd sit together on the couch, but other times we'd read on the floor and you and your brothers would be on one side of the book and I'd be on the other – thus the need to read upside down. I became pretty adept at it – especially with sans serif fonts. Word of warning Dr. Seuss books are a bit of a challenge.
Not earth shattering, nor resume building (although useful in contract negotiations), but a useful skill nonetheless.
16 March 2010
Enjoy your kids being kids
I was reminded of this story when Mom was talking with Joel earlier this week.
When you all (Joel and Jonathan) were very young, still in diapers and cribs, Mom put you two down for your afternoon nap one day and after a few moments of commotion and then quiet, she figured you all were asleep. After your reasonable sleep time Mom entered the room to a big surprise. There you two were asleep in your own cribs, with your respective diapers removed and laying up by your head. Not so bad. The poo smeared all over the wall and thrown around the room, though? Not so good.
Mom was able to take pictures of you two (none posted here, yet) before she got upset, woke you up, and reprimanded the behavior.
What to learn? Yeah, it's a pain to clean up a mess like that but you were babies. And babies like to explore things. Everything.
Lots more stories we could share, but remember to enjoy your kids at whatever stage they are in even when the behavior may be *immature*....enjoy feeding them, burping them, washing them, reading to them, playing games with them, listening to them read, helping them with homework, lending them the keys to the car, getting beaten at games by them, seeing them get married, have kids, etc., etc.
When you all (Joel and Jonathan) were very young, still in diapers and cribs, Mom put you two down for your afternoon nap one day and after a few moments of commotion and then quiet, she figured you all were asleep. After your reasonable sleep time Mom entered the room to a big surprise. There you two were asleep in your own cribs, with your respective diapers removed and laying up by your head. Not so bad. The poo smeared all over the wall and thrown around the room, though? Not so good.
Mom was able to take pictures of you two (none posted here, yet) before she got upset, woke you up, and reprimanded the behavior.
What to learn? Yeah, it's a pain to clean up a mess like that but you were babies. And babies like to explore things. Everything.
Lots more stories we could share, but remember to enjoy your kids at whatever stage they are in even when the behavior may be *immature*....enjoy feeding them, burping them, washing them, reading to them, playing games with them, listening to them read, helping them with homework, lending them the keys to the car, getting beaten at games by them, seeing them get married, have kids, etc., etc.
07 March 2010
Intentional and Accidental Impact
Jennifer asked me what is something you deliberately did that had the biggest impact on the kids? And what is something you accidentally did that had the biggest impact on the kids?
I'm not one for superlatives as they tend to be too subjective. So rather than saying the 'biggest' impact, I'd offer up some things that had a 'big' impact.
Intentional actions
1- Reading to you pretty much every night before bedtime, or listening to your reading when you were older.
Of course I also remember times when I was so tired I would fall asleep while reading to you...or just start mumbling words because I was falling asleep. Then one of you would poke me and ask what I was doing. No excuses, just tired.
The original "Peter Pan" is a fantastic book for reading out loud to your kids. The sentence structures are great. The story is great, etc.
I was really happy that Mee-mee and Paw-paw gave us the blue Bible story books when you all were young and we could share those together. I remember reading those bible story books as a kid and it was great to share them with you all.
2- Individually praying for you and tucking you into bed every night.
We prayed for you when you were too young to pray and then listened to your prayers as you got older. It was great when you would request us to pray with you and for you.
3- Being involved in your activities
Music was probably the biggest intentional thing we shared. It was so fun to watch you all grow in your musical abilities and see you bless others with your abilities. Accompanying you all at numerous IHSA events or other auditions is another great memory.
While none of you continued with sports, our few years as coach / father / son in baseball and basketball was an intentional activity we shared. Of course I won't go into detail in this posting when Jonathan was an umpire in little league and umped a game where I was coaching Peter's team. That's part of another book. It was a growing experience for both of us.
Who knows what your kids will do, but intentionally be involved in their life. And don't wait till they're at 'the right age'. Start from the time they're born. Make it a priority.
Accidental Impact
- Boy scouts
That pretty much sums it up. I didn't have good experiences with the short time I was in scouts as a kid and had never thought about getting you all involved in scouts. However, I'm very thankful Jennifer got you all going as Tigers. And as all three of you are Eagles, I'd say you are glad too.
Scouts is a great program that can teach great life skills - if you have the right adults involved. If you have sons I hope you can share scouts with them and you'll be one of those adults who can help lead your sons and others.
While only Peter was interested in doing Philmont, that was a great time together. We'd both go back to Philmont in a heartbeat. And none of us will forget the Klondike derby sleeping in tents in -6 degree weather. Watching all three of you lead the whole troop as the Senior Patrol Leader was an incredible experience.
Shared experiences - that's one of the things scouts can provide and I hope you can share with your kids. If not scouts, shared experiences, that's a great thing.
03 March 2010
Ideas for posting
- Ways to serve
- Are you a leader or a servant?
- Be a super model, not a talking head.
- How do you model being a husband to your kids?
- What scriptures have helped you as a Dad (and provide some examples, anecdotes, etc.)?
- How do you balance work and family?
- What do you do when you’re trying to relax and your son wants to play?
- How do you help your kids learn to make decisions?
- How should discipline change as kids grow?
- How do you teach your kids to make good decisions?
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