Compare / contrast 6 months to 22 years

One final post before this edition goes to the publisher.   As a timeframe, I'm writing this a little over a week after Logan was born.

In the next few months you'll begin to see Logan's personality develop.  He'll have great character attributes and some that aren't so great.  A few years ago when I was ripping our VHS tapes to DVDs, part of the process involved watching the videos to I could edit them correctly.  While watching the video of you and Joel's first Christmas, I was struck to see personality traits of a 6 month old that remained evident in those same children 22 years later.

One of the tricks (to keeping your sanity as well as child rearing) is to recognize which personality traits are 'real' and which are a passing fad or a reflection of the age of your child.  That's where Godly wisdom comes in handy.  Acknowledge the good traits and encourage those,  recognize the not so good traits and address those as appropriate.  And the passing ones?  Ignore, enjoy, laugh at, but don't get too worked up over them.

Take the long view of life part 2 - deliberately raise your kids to be independent adults

While close family relationships are important, unnecessary dependence on each other is not healthy.  As an infant you can’t do anything besides poop.  As you grow you naturally become adept at life skills.  Even while enjoying our time as parents with the kids at home we need to keep in mind that our darling 2 year old, 12 year old, 17 year old is going to be an adult and will be living as an adult a lot longer than as a child, so intentionally raise them and teach them the skills to be independent.

A few small examples:

As a child we set your bedtime and made sure you were in bed at a reasonable time.  At some point when you were in high school we intentionally had a conversation with you and told you that we were no longer setting the bedtime.  You could go to bed whenever you wanted.  You still had a curfew and needed to be considerate of others in the house when they were trying to sleep, but if you wanted to stay up till the wee hours of the morning you could.  Of course you still had to get up for school on time, continue to keep up your good grades and any other commitments.  This was a small way to give you some independence to make decisions for yourself and suffer or benefit from the consequences of those decisions.

Boy Scouts provided lots of opportunities as well.  Letting you pack your own bag for campouts as you became an older and more experienced scout, be a scout at summer camp on your own (even when Mom and I were there all week as leaders), and being a boy leader in the troop.  You can relate to this even more than we can I’m sure.

A more recent example is how we took care of college for you all.  The first year we paid for everything.  Your sophomore year you paid for some of your expenses (don’t recall how that evidenced itself).  Your junior year you started paying for your books.  Even with Peter in school right now, I don’t recall what the added responsibility is for your senior year, but I think you get the point. Rather than kicking you out of the nest at 18 we gradually gave you more and more responsibilities.

As with so much of parenting this is a delicate balance, but if you have the mindset of training your kids to be independent functioning adults as each situation arises you’ll be able to evaluate how best to handle it.

Treat others as more important than yourself

Talk about yin-yang.  This is quite the challenge: Philippians 2:3 - "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”

How do you live out this verse while at the same time teaching your kids about authority, proper parent / child interaction, etc?

Case in point - we're (me and the kids) watching TV and I’d like a drink.  Do I tell you to go get me a drink?  Or do I do it myself?  Best option?  Go get the drink myself and offer to get everyone something.  That way I don’t interrupt your TV viewing, cause you probably don’t want to miss the show any more than I do, and I demonstrate serving by offering everyone a drink as well.

Another key is to understand humility.  A short definition is that humility is not thinking lowly of yourself, rather, it’s not thinking of yourself.  This is a great verse to meditate on and let God illuminate in your life how it will play out.  It’s also a good check to run before you take any action and see how your actions and motivations are lining up with this verse.

More can be said but it would move from a blog post to a tome.

Yin-yang = parenting

Yin yang applies to a great deal of parenting.  While thinking about various items to post, or thoughts I've already posted, I was considering that all of what we do as parents needs to be approached from the perspective life is interconnected – you can’t compartmentalize things. 

Huh?  A few examples -

On the one hand, take the long view of life and don’t get excited about inconsequential problems, annoyances, events, etc.  On the other hand, take advantage of every positive moment or opportunity that presents itself as though they will never happen again - enjoy the little blessings of life.

On the one hand, let your kids be kids, don’t make them grow up too fast.  On the other hand, raise them with the intent to be independent adults (more on this later).

On the one hand, model being a servant by doing chores around the house, picking up after others, cleaning the kitchen when you had nothing to do with getting it dirty.  On the other hand, teach your kids responsibility by assigning them chores that they’re responsible for and suffering the consequences of not doing them when they’re supposed to.

On the one hand, invest your life in your kids and teach them and train them as best you know how.  On the other hand, leave the results completely up to God as your kids have as much free will as you do and can decide what to respond to and what not to respond to.

Take the long view of life

Eventually I’ll include a post about Yin and Yang, and this post falls right into that.  

On the one hand, take advantage of every moment you have with your kids, wife, family, etc.  Don’t put off tomorrow what game you can play with your kids today, or other fun project, task, or activity you and your kids can do.

On the other hand, while in the volume of eternity are lives are but a tweet, you will have a long life ahead of you and there’s very little happening in the day to day that necessitates getting really upset about or straining or severing relationships.  If your son breaks a favorite knick-knack, remember it’s just a thing; if you’re late for church because of some typical family disorganization or miscommunication, getting all out of sorts is not create a wormhole so you can restart and be on time.
 
Also discipline not for the moment but for the long term.  Consider if the behavior being exhibited by your kids at the moment is an inconvenience to you or really is something that needs to be corrected.
 
I’m not saying take a lackadaisical attitude towards life, on the contrary, be responsible, prompt, considerate, etc. but remember you’re going to have many more years with your kids as adults than as kids, so enjoy the kid times and know they’re just another tweet in your life.

What leaders do in moderation, followers do to excess

I heard this quote years ago and while I believe it is attributed to church leadership, it applies to pretty much any area of leadership / followership.  As a manager in the office if I badmouth a co-worker, the people who report to me will most likely feel the freedom to badmouth others to a more severe degree.

This applies with you as a parent and your kids as well.  Do small negative things and larger negative things will be the fruit.  The good thing is it works both ways; demonstrate good behavior, actions, words, etc. and your kids will magnify that.

This is essentially the spiritual principle of sowing and reaping.  You will sow what you reap whether you explicitly intend to do so or not.

Practical things to not do?  Speak ill of your spouse, parents :-), co-workers, drivers; acting one way with one crowd of people and another way with another crowd; or other behavior that could be misinterpreted in the wrong context.

Things to do?  Praise your spouse (and parents), serve others, demonstrate spiritual disciplines, exemplify a life of giving to others....and the scout law is always a good thing to exercise at all times as well.

Be a super model, not a talking head.

While how we talk is important, without backing it up with actions, the words are hollow.  Don’t just talk about how you should act, respond, behave.  Don’t just talk about your beliefs, value system, and worldview; act on it and demonstrate it.  

The most important thing in your life and your kids’ lives is a relationship with Jesus Christ.  Make sure they see the value you place on this by your behavior, the actions you take, how you spend your time, where you spend your money, and of course the words you say. 

Demonstrate how to be a great husband by being a great husband - not just talking about it.  Same with being a good citizen, neighbor, employee, etc.

Another case in point from your lives as kids.  You know your mom and I really like the Boy Scout program.  Had we just taken you to scout meetings every week, sent you on campouts each month, and paid for summer camp each summer, you would not have understood how fully we valued it – that’s why Mom and I were leaders in the cub scout packs and troops for so many years (full disclosure: Mom got involved before I did).  We calculated one year that on average each of us spent over 60 hours a month volunteering in the Scout program.  That’s not said to sound our own horn but to provide an example of modeling not just talking.

So be a super model - just without the catwalk.

Books and words trump videos with wheels

This could easily come off as me being a product of my generation, but I'd encourage you to avoid using DVDs in the car.  Granted we never had these when you were young, and I'm sure the video player makes an easy babysitter, but there's a lot to be missed by getting into the habit of turning on an in-car video player or hooking one up so you don't have to 'deal with the kids'.  

When you were young, before you could read, on vacations; even the long ones involving 15+ hours in the car; we'd get books on tape and enjoy those for hours on end.  The whole family could participate rather than the kids in the backseat silently watching a video.  Getting everybody to participate also allows for conversations about things that may be misunderstood or just plain provide opportunities to interact.

If I recall this story correctly, on one long trip (again a 10+ hour car ride), we'd listened to a book most of the way home and when we arrived home we sat in the car in the garage for another 20 minutes so we could hear the conclusion of the book.  Good fun and a good story.

Gentle, kind answers

A gentle answer really does turn away wrath (Prov 15:1).  While sometimes difficult to do in the heat of the moment, a kind, gentle answer does work.  Rather than escalating the tension, causing more emotional damage (that can last for a very long time), and extending the conflict, it can help bring the conflict to the right focus and in general dissolve the hostility.

This is a great goal to work towards with your kids, spouse, coworkers, friends, drivers on the road, etc.

Quick story where a kind answer / response would have been better.

When you (Jonathan) were in junior high one summer you decided to be a baseball umpire (even though the last time you'd played baseball was when you were 5).  As it happened you ended up behind home plate for Peter's team and I was the coach.  We were down by a run or so, Peter was on 3rd and a man on 1st.  A ball was put into play and there was a play at home - Peter was sliding in and the ball arrived just a bit before he reached the plate.  The catcher was standing on home plate when he caught the ball and you promptly called Peter out, ending the inning.

I was in the dugout and came rushing out to contest the call.  While I wasn't mad at you, I do recall not using a kind, gentle answer.  My comments to you were more on the intense side of the spectrum.  I do not remember exactly what the words were we used to 'discuss' the situation, but you ended up being mad at me and looked for a different way to get home after the game (which we lost).

Note the position of the players on the field when the ball was put into play.  There was no force out at home, so your call was incorrect.  The catcher had to tag Peter to put him out, but rather just stepped on the plate.  I could have calmly and kindly explained this to you when it happened, but don't believe that was the situation with my comments.

Much later after the game we eventually came to an understanding - you understood the baseball rules better and I was reminded that a gentle answer is a much better response.

Be proud of your kids

Be proud of your kids and make sure they know it. 

This doesn't mean congratulate them for getting out of bed in the morning or breathing or any of a number of other banal activities.  False self esteem does more harm than good, that's not what you're trying to build.  

What you should do is recognize their talents, skills, and abilities and make sure they know you acknowledge them and are proud of them; and encourage them to bless others with their gifts.

Babies and car seats.

I've observed many young mothers with the car seat and a toddler. If the auto has only two doors, getting the child in and out of the car can be challenging - to say the least. Our grand-daughter in law has a two door and an 18 month old. Getting Logan in and out of the back seat car seat requires that she is sure to have enough room on the right side when parking that she can safely get in the back with the door open and extract her child.This can be a challenge in some parking lots in shopping centers.

Vans with sliding side doors are much safer for all concerned and easier to get your child in or out of the vehicle [car seat].

So, keep these thoughts in mind when you are car shopping. Make it easier on your self and spouse!

Books - Reading - Life

Give your child a life of adventure. BOOKS> Start with the small ones you read to them and gradually move them in to those they read on their own. And give them the chance to explore history, biography, and and adventure fiction.

"National Geographic" can let them explore the whole world. [You'll need to monitor what the content is in a issue - not all are acceptable]. As they grow older, "Reader's Digest" [if it is still published] covers a wide range of subjects.

Emphasize reading over vegging in front of the tube. And limit electronic gadgets. There are only some many positions as Drone Pilots! {and this is from a geek Grandfather}

And the public library is a rich source of reading material. [ This will kick in in grade school.] Books are a rich source of adventure, entertainment, and knowledge. Set a good example by reading yourself!

Be careful little eyes what they see

The adage is true ‘be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, etc.’  Not sure if you recall but when you were little we very closely monitored what you watched on TV.  While it’s tempting to just turn on the TV and let it keep the kids entertained, there is so much on TV (and now the internet) that little kids, young kids, etc. don’t need to be exposed to.

As a parent it’s okay to be a prude, be Big Brother, be the filter through which all media must pass.

And it’s not just bad things: violence, language, etc., it’s also inappropriate attitudes that can be seen on TV and emulated in real life.  Better to stimulate them with positive images, language, words, etc.

Granted there is so much more technology available today than when you all were kids which means there are many more options you can select from and many other things you need to be cautious of.

When you were young you mostly watched videos that we bought or made from acceptable shows on TV.  For some reason we had recorded “The Nutcracker” with Baryshnikov and this quickly became your favorite thing to watch.  You played Nutcrakcer with each other constantly (I’m sure the swords played a big part in the appeal).  And much to our amusement, you would attempt to perform the play for us on numerous occasions. 

All of us remember you and Joel handing out flashlights to Mom, Grandmother, Papaw, and myself which we were to use as the stage lights for your production.  However, you never seemed to get beyond scurrying back and forth between the bedroom and the living room to say “hold on….hold on”, then back to the bedroom to discuss the blocking of the action, pop into the living room for a quick “hold on….hold on”, scoot backstage for more choreography discussions in the bedroom, etc.  On and on.

We’re still waiting for your performance.

Go fly a kite, or swing a swing, or merry a go round

There is a kite festival at Frontier Park today.  Cool kites.  I also noticed a family in their backyard trying (without much success) to fly a couple of their own kites.  The kids looked like they were having fun and Mom and Dad were helping as best they could.  When else but as a parent (or grandparent) of a younger child can you get by with playing in the park, swinging on swings, sliding down slides, spinning on a merry-go-round, flying a kite, etc?  And all of that being good, productive time well spent.

When you were quite young we spent much time at the park at the end of our block in Prairie Village playing on the slides, swings, merry-go-rounds, etc.  When you were older and we lived in Shawnee we spent hours at the pool after I got home from work most days in the summer.  We played.  We had fun.  Never be too old or too busy to play with your kids.

Let your uncle mean uncle

When you all were little I established a hard and fast rule whenever we played physically together – tickling, wrestling, etc.  As soon as you cried (or whimpered, if in a particularly tight wrestling hold) “uncle”, the play stopped immediately.  No tickling, no wresting, etc. 

This was a simple way to build trust between us.  I followed it and made sure you all followed it when roughhousing with each other.

Of course Peter had fun with this and couldn’t just say uncle all the time.  There would be times I was tickling him and he would start to say “uncle” but would turn it into “umbrella” or “cousin” or “aunt” or something else, just so the tickling would continue.

Know which hills to die on and which to walk away from

Know which hills to die on and which to walk away from

There are absolutes in life.  There is absolute truth. 

There are standards that should never change or move.  There are rules, behaviors, attitudes, etc. that should remain fixed.  However, in the context of raising kids there are also guidelines and rules that can be flexible, gray, or malleable at the appropriate time.

Case in point:

On Sunday mornings getting ready and driving to church you kids could get away with much more slack behavior, conflicts with each other, etc. than at other times.  We intentionally would dissipate conflicts in a manner that didn't meet them head on, which most likely would have caused more conflicts or a negative state of mind.  Why?  Because just like preparing for a sporting or musical event or contest it's best to be in the right frame of mind for church.  Having a lousy attitude, being mad at your parents, brothers, etc. is a lousy way to go into church to worship God, learn about him, and minister to others.  We could have met the little conflicts in the car head on and turned them into much larger conflicts, but the situation called for a different response because of a larger need.

Don’t die on the wrong hill.

Kids need to make decisions for themselves but at the right time

For the most part little children need to be told what to do a whole lot more than they need to be given opportunities to decide what to do.  They will naturally have their own opinions about things and varying degrees of strength of will.  No need to worry about that developing.  They need to learn to obey.

While it’s important to raise your kids to think for themselves; make decisions for themselves; be critical thinkers; etc., you can start too early doing that.  For example, a two year old does not need to be asked ‘do you want to eat dinner?’ or ‘which clothes would you like to wear?’ or ‘would you like to hold my hand while we cross the street?’  All that does (no scientific basis of knowledge here, just common sense) is teach the kid to question his parents rather than rely on his parents to provide for him, protect him, guide him, etc.  And it teaches him that he has more options than he should (yes, he is eating dinner and yes, he is holding your hand).

This is not to say you have to be hard-nosed about things, but there’s a big gap between being an overbearing, controlling, selfish louse and an anything-goes-just-be-a-happy-child parent (using the ‘parent’ term loosely in that context).

There’s plenty of time to ease into teaching decision-making skills.  Better to start with the obeying skills first.

Traveling with children

Traveling with kids

In 1967 we took a temporary assignment in NY state. We were traveling by car. Second day on the road. Dinner time came. We were in Albany [state capitol - the assembly was in session]. We stopped at the Holiday Inn for dinner. We were dressed for traveling! The hostess seated our family at the far end of the room by the fireplace. Aunt Juli was seated in a highchair.

Now Dad and uncle Jack had developed a habit of putting their approval on all the restrooms where we visited. [Sort of like Duncan Heinz Recommended restaurants!]

Did I mention that everyone else in the restaurant was dressed in their finest? Get the picture?

Well the boys went to put their stamp on the restroom. About the time they started across the room to return to our table - Aunt Juli dropped a handful of silverware on the metal tray of the highchair. Got everyone's attention. Then your Dad, with his pant down around his ankle, waddling across the room, shouts out "Mom, I can't get my pants zipped!" There was no where to hide :-)

Is there a moral to this story? Yes [ might ask Dad his side ]! When traveling with kids, be flexible, observant, choose least conspicuous table in eating establishments, and try to include a little culture in your dining on the road.
Fast food joints don't qualify as cultural. Besides, you get a chance as a family to sit down together, say grace and enjoy being waited on. [And be sure to explain to them the principal of the tip for the wait person - which I know you have personal experience with.]

Road trips with children helps them gain a vision of the greatness of our country. And be sure to accompany your boys under 7 to the restroom :-)

Support even illogical choices

While out on a motorcycle ride today I saw a kids' lemonade stand and was struck by the thought to support your kids' activities and choices (those that are moral, ethical, etc.); even those that may not make a lot of sense or be so logical, but can be learning experiences for them.

Case in point with you, Jonathan.

The school district we lived in began its band program in late grade school.  For years you talked about playing the drums.  All you wanted to do was play the drums.  So we figured when the time came to select an instrument for the school band - you'd be playing the drums.

The school district had an specific way they had the students choose their instruments.  Over the course of a few nights in one of the high school gyms all the local music stores and rental companies displayed their instruments by type and the incoming 5th grade students could come in, try them out, and select the instrument they wanted.

Again, you wanted to play drums.  You'd talked about it for years.  Wanted to play drums.

So, you, your brother, and your mom went to the school gym to select your instruments.  Joel picked trumpet, which he'd previously expressed interest in.  You, however, got a little distracted.  It seems near the front of the gym before you got to the percussion section, was the flute section manned by an attractive, blond woman who must have had the right guile and words to say because you came home with a flue and you strongly emphasized that's what you had wanted to play all along.

So we supported you in that decision during your 5th grade year, because we moved to Chicago at the beginning of your 6th grade year and you promptly switched to drums.  And stuck with that decision.

Just a little, silly decision that we could have overturned the night of the instrument selection, but better to let you make that smallish decision and support you in it.

Emulate Mary without being Catholic

Babies really do like to be swaddled - so learn how to do it well.  

Your mother (and in-law) will be impressed.  

Practice on your cat.

Not all quiet on the western front

Not sure what reminded me of this but we learned pretty quickly to not worry about keeping a quiet environment for you to sleep in when you were an infant, baby, etc.  If you remember our first house, your bedroom was about ten feet away from our piano; on Wednesday nights we had small group and I played the piano for our worship time; which would usually last 30 minutes to an hour.  You all went to sleep before small group and slept through the whole meeting.

You probably got that skill from me.  Case in point: one night after we'd gone to bed, Mom was mad at me so she cleaned house which included vacuuming our room - while I was sleeping.  She hoped it would disturb me.  It did not.  And the house got cleaned.  Interesting twist. 

Parent intentionally, not from convenience

This topic came from your mom - she’s wise.  Although I’m still writing it so it may come across as less wise.  We were talking about some intentional things we did as parents that I think were very positive and she said the pillowable^* quote which is the topic of this post.

Intentional things we did?

- Some time when you were in high school we sat you down and said you no longer had a bedtime.  It was your decision as to when to go to bed.  You still had a curfew, but if you wanted to stay up till morning, that was your decision and you had to live with the consequences – meaning still getting up in time for school, keeping the grades up, etc.

- When you all were in college or shortly thereafter (I think that was the timing), we told you while you would always be our children, since you were adults and on your own (or mostly) and we would continue to give you advice and recommendations / suggestions we thought of you as adults, so you need to make the decisions, and you can take our advice as advice from somebody who loves you and has been around the block a few times.  But the decision you need to make for whatever situation is at hand is your decision.  As opposed to doing what we say because we’re the parents.  That was a good fallback when you were younger.

Some things done from convenience?

- Mom had this one – not letting you all play outside and get dirty all that much as little kids.  Not that you didn’t do it, but you can bet you didn’t do it as much as you probably would have liked because it was just a pain to clean things up after all that fun.

- Cleaning up the kitchen or some other household chore that you didn’t particularly want to do and perhaps didn’t do so well.  When it _needed_ to be done, sometimes it was more convenient for us to do it than to struggle with you to teach you how to do it and learn sometimes you have to do things you don’t particularly enjoy just cause they need to get done.

So, while the above may not be all that earth shattering, the subject line still is and is something to remember - parent intentionally, not conveniently.

^* a quote you could stitch onto a throw pillow

The sidelines is not the place to be

Many of the thoughts in this blog have or will talk about being involved in your kids’ lives, activities, etc.  I think you are well aware of that by example from your mom and I - involvement in school activities, scouts, church, your friends, etc.

The difference I want to point out is that of being involved in your kids’ lives and involving them in your activities vs. just being present and thinking that’ll cut it.

A positive example from my childhood is Mee-mee and Paw-paw’s involvement with their kids through various church activities.  As far back as I can remember they volunteered to be weeklong camp counselors at Falls Creek, our church camp.  Even beyond that Paw-paw helped out.  I remember spending a spring break working at Falls Creek with him to clean up our cabin including wading around in the leach-infested creek that ran in front of it (to clean it, not just give blood).  That was a lot of fun and a way for us to work together and be involved together.

On the flip side of things, I also recall many a cold night standing outside while Paw-paw worked on the car and I held a light or handed him a tool.  Paw-paw has always been great at fixing pretty much anything and cars were no exception.  But rather than getting us kids really involved, we stood on the sidelines and watched.  I hold no hard feelings from this; it’s just the way it was.  Rather I observed, recalled, and used that as a learning experience (note Paw-paw’s post about the ‘board of education’).

I’ll also use this post as a reminder to myself as a granddad, to be involved in the grandkids’ lives, not just be around them in the same physical location. 

Feel free to hold me to that.

Actions have consequences

One lesson that every child has to learn is that actions have consequences. As your child gains experience in the world around them they need this valuable instruction. Now some would look at this in a negative sense - eg. bad behavior will result in some type of correction or punishment. The positive aspect is that good behavior results in good things.

When your Dad was growing up there was a "board of education" that was used to reward bad behavior. His brother frequently got "educated"! Your father, being the observant type, quickly learned that bad behavior had consequences. Therefore, he seldom had to be "educated"!

Now how do you apply this gem in your child raising? When your child does something "good", reward that behavior with praise and sometimes a special privilege. If the child mis-behaves, first time tell the child that this particular action is not acceptable. [Age appropriate instruction at this juncture]. And tell the child that such behavior in the future will be punished. And at the next infraction apply the punishment. Sounds a bit stern but life can be hard and second chances don't always happen.

What kind of punishment you ask? Again "Age appropriate". A warmed up rear end, sent to bed early, with holding of privileges, time out in the corner. The older the child the more intense the punishment. But after the consequences have been handed out, take that child in your arms with a great hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them and want only the best for them.

Assure them that you are correcting them because you love them.

Proverbs 22:6 says:

TRAIN UP A CHILD in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

This is a promise from God's word that is true and timeless. Notice the qualifier [when he is old].
When the road of parenting seems rocky, remember God's promise. Your responsibility is to TRAIN UP your child and trust the Lord for the results.

Cinderella for a boy or a girl

I quite like the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman

She spins and she sways To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone

She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone 

Keep it in mind when your kids need you at all ages of their lives.  When you can hold them in your arms, when you can dance with them, or play ball with them, or they can drive you to work because they need the car that day, or when they're about to have kids of their own.

You always have the word :-)

I always tell my married male friends that they always have the last word -- Yes Dear.

But seriously your position as a parent requires that you are sensitive to your spouse. As the Mother she is under a new stress - Motherhood. So look for ways to reduce that stress. Cleanup after a meal. Do the laundry. Run to the store for those things she needs. Make the bed. Run the vacuum. Remove the protective covering [aka. dust] from the furniture. Let her sleep in when junior decides to arise early. Take that 3am shift feeding [if possible]. And remember those special treats she likes. Surprise her with them OFTEN.

Raising kids can have times of conflict. Work TOGETHER to come up with solutions that you both can support. And this should be done in private, out of the ear shot of the child. Don't allow them to be put in a position of coming between you and Mother over the ISSUE. Once the discussion is concluded, close with "Yes Dear".

Fathers don’t exasperate your children

Col 3:21 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.

Given the amount of teasing that all of us as a family participate in, this might be a surprise comment. Your mom and I intentionally did not tease with you all until you were old enough to understand teasing. We also were careful to not tease each other too much in your presence when you were younger.

Establishing and ensuring a comforting, secure, safe, and loving home for your family is key and since younger kids can’t differentiate between reality and teasing not only can teasing convey the wrong message to their understanding of themselves and relationship with your family, it distorts what are acceptable and unacceptable interactions with others outside the family.

Your grandparents have a case in point where your uncle (aka Jack) referred to one of his elementary school teachers by a teasing name your Mee-mee and Paw-paw used with him, which resulted in him getting in trouble in school (perhaps one of them can add some clarity to this story).

The challenge? When is it good and when is it bad to tease? Refer to the prior post – each situation, child, etc. needs its own answer. Besides, your kids will be adults much longer than they’re children, and as such will have lots of time for fun teasing and kidding around. As you can attest to.

Altitude and attitude and cookies and kids

The advice you take and apply as a parent, the methods by which you raise your kids, discipline your kids, reward your kids; it all needs to be addressed similar to following a recipe (as you know how much I cook, take this analogy with a grain of salt).

Take for instance if you're going to bake a batch of cookies in Miami, FL in a convection oven and use the same recipe, but use a box oven in Denver, CO.  If you follow the recipe to the letter, you will not have the same degree of success at each location.  You have to consider the altitude and cooking environment (and perhaps other things that exceed by culinary intelligence) and make adjustments as necessary to the recipe.

So it is with raising kids.  You can get great advice (hopefully some from here) and if you apply it without considering your family, your kids, their attitude, characteristics, emotions, age, gender, personality, particular situation, circumstances of the moment, etc., you'll have mixed results.

Oh, and when you have more than one child be ready to hear "that's not fair!" when you tweak your child raising recipe.

God enjoys you in the same way, or more so, that you enjoy your kids

Years ago your mom and I were at a big church meeting, conference, revival or something like that held by the charismatic church we attended at the time.  The worship time at these meetings would go on for an hour or more each night (which was great).  In addition to the informally organized dancers, during the worship time there were people running around the arena waving very large banners.  This was not scripted, just something people did spontaneously.

We were sitting in the balcony most of the nights and watching the people running got me to thinking - what does this have to do with worshiping God?  God answered (even though I don't recall directing that question to Him).  God enjoys us experiencing his joy and having fun in Him. Those people running around were glad to be worshiping God, to be in his presence, that's how they were expressing it, and you can bet God was enjoying that expression of joy.

This happened when you all were very young (before Peter was born I believe) and has served as a reminder of God as a father when I would watch you guys play at the park, or wait for you all as you repeated "wait, wait, wait, just a minute, just a minute" while you and your brother prepared to show us your interpretation of "The Nutcracker" (which never happened as I recall).  I enjoyed watching you guys have fun and know that God enjoys us enjoying living in Him through different contexts of our lives.


So....enjoy all the different things your kids do as infants, babies, toddlers, teenagers (?), and young adults.  We grow, God enjoys.

Zippers can hurt

Short and sweet, practical advice today.

You know those footed pajamas that are all one piece with a zipper in front?  Nice and warm and great for little kids.  If you catch skin in the zipper it hurts really bad?  I know I did that at least once when you and Joel were wearing those PJ's.  Peter got lucky with this one as I'd learned the following trick -

Put your finger in between the skin and the zipper with your thumb grasping the outside of the zipper.  Then zip.  No skin.  No Pain.  Happy child.

Never babysit your kids

This helpful hint came from your mom.  Never babysit your kids.  That doesn't mean you're not responsible for taking care of the kids, it just means that you as a father are not a babysitter.  I suppose that could be correlated to the difference between a shepherd and a hired hand.  The shepherd has a vested interested in the flock, the hired hand is just interested in the buck.

So....babysit other kids, but never your own.

A closely related item to this (again from Mom) is to help with everything.  There is no job that is "the mom's" job.  You can do diapers, bath, feeding, etc.  That comes from experience since your mom and I fed you every two to three hours for the first six months of your life.  Very little sleep for either one of us.

 Oddly enough, there is a 'husband's" only job, at least during the pregnancy - emptying the cat box.  But I believe there is a health reason for that one.

As well, I've been told from a reliable source (your mom) that wives find husbands very sexy when they're doing the dishes, ironing, etc.  And that's always a good thing.

Be a dad all the time

I just flew to LA and was reminded how important it is for a dad to be a dad all the time.  Be "on" all the time.  You get to rest when the kids are sleeping (although perhaps not completely at rest).  What am I saying?

On one of the legs to LA a young boy, three or younger or something like that that sat right behind me.  His dad was beside him in the middle seat and Mom beside Dad.  Most of the flight the kid kicked my seat, stood in his seat leaning and grabbing the back of mine, etc.  Pretty much being a little kid.  To some degree that's okay, but I can think of very few reasons why a kid needs to kick the seat in front of him.  He did it because it was part of being a kid and part of entertaining himself.

How does that tie in to the title?  Dad was right beside the boy during the whole flight, reading a book, and letting the boy do what he wanted regardless of the impact on those around him.  What would I suggest Dad do instead?  Put the book down and spend the time with his kid providing the entertainment the boy needs.  Kids that age are not naturally intended to fly cross-country in an airplane (could be said for anybody at any age) so that needs to be considered and Dad should have stepped in to help make the flight enjoyable for the boy and for those around (and definitely in front of) him.  Read to him, color with him, eat with him, distract him, etc.  That's what kids of that age need for entertainment - especially in an atmosphere like that.

This is a tough balance between letting kids be kids, but it's also what helps differentiate between a dad and a great dad.

By the way, all these little tips are like a mosaic, they work best when applied together rather than as discrete actions.

Proud from the begining

Wanting to tell everyone about my new grand kids but not wanting to annoy people by starting a conversation by saying "have you heard about my new grandchildren, there are two of them" I took a different approach by photographing you and your brother and made 3" photo buttons which I wore every day for about a month. I never had to start a conversation about you. Your Mom made me a new sweat shirt with your and Joel's hand prints in it. White shirt- red and blue hand prints. I still wear it proudly and when your Mom found out that I still had it she made another one last year-I haven't worn it yet and will hold off until have a new set of hand prints added.

Tale of the "POO" reprise

I remember the telling of the tale of the "poo". But another I vividly recall was that your dad's brother discovered a way to "pee" without leaving his room OR bed. The Headboard was a metal frame. The post had caps on them. Removing the cap, Uncle Jack used the post void to "void" and replaced the cap. Soon the distinctive odor of urine began to come from his room. Then we discovered a puddle of rusty water under that post. Stern corrective word were issued and out of both of your hearing and sight MeMee and I had a great laugh. Remember the Scout motto of "Be Prepared" and expect your kids to surprise you in original and challenging ways. It's part of the vaulted title of PARENT and life with your children is to short to spend it upset over the small stuff.

A Family Grows

Grandmother & I were were living a peacefull life, just the two of us in a nice sized 4 bed room house when all of a sudden things began to change. Your Dad graduated from Baylor University and your Mom & Dad decided to move to Kansas City, get a job and settle down. Grandmother & I suggested that they live with us until a job was found. We knew that your Mom was expecting but when we found out that it was not one but two that were on the way it was decided that everyone should continue at our house where it would be easier to care for the double trouble we were expecting. God works in mysterious ways. With this arrangement Grandmother & I had an opportunity to get to know our new son-in law who we had not been around very much and to welcome our first grand childten into our lives. From the two of us we quickly grew into four then into six. Our lives were changed forever, all for the better.

?nwod edispu daer uoy naC

That's backwards because I'm not aware of an upside down font.  And if your backward reading skills are a little weak the title is "can you read upside down?"

Before you all could read for yourselves I would read stories to you pretty much every night before bed.  Frequently we'd sit together on the couch, but other times we'd read on the floor and you and your brothers would be on one side of the book and I'd be on the other – thus the need to read upside down.  I became pretty adept at it – especially with sans serif fonts.  Word of warning Dr. Seuss books are a bit of a challenge.

Not earth shattering, nor resume building (although useful in contract negotiations), but a useful skill nonetheless.

Enjoy your kids being kids

I was reminded of this story when Mom was talking with Joel earlier this week.

When you all (Joel and Jonathan) were very young, still in diapers and cribs, Mom put you two down for your afternoon nap one day and after a few moments of commotion and then quiet, she figured you all were asleep.  After your reasonable sleep time Mom entered the room to a big surprise.  There you two were asleep in your own cribs, with your respective diapers removed and laying up by your head.  Not so bad.  The poo smeared all over the wall and thrown around the room, though?  Not so good.

Mom was able to take pictures of you two (none posted here, yet) before she got upset, woke you up, and reprimanded the behavior.

What to learn?  Yeah, it's a pain to clean up a mess like that but you were babies.  And babies like to explore things.  Everything.

Lots more stories we could share, but remember to enjoy your kids at whatever stage they are in even when the behavior may be *immature*....enjoy feeding them, burping them, washing them, reading to them, playing games with them, listening to them read, helping them with homework, lending them the keys to the car, getting beaten at games by them, seeing them get married, have kids, etc., etc.
 

Intentional and Accidental Impact

Jennifer asked me what is something you deliberately did that had the biggest impact on the kids?  And what is something you accidentally did that had the biggest impact on the kids?

I'm not one for superlatives as they tend to be too subjective.  So rather than saying the 'biggest' impact, I'd offer up some things that had a 'big' impact.

Intentional actions

1- Reading to you pretty much every night before bedtime, or listening to your reading when you were older.

Of course I also remember times when I was so tired I would fall asleep while reading to you...or just start mumbling words because I was falling asleep.  Then one of you would poke me and ask what I was doing.  No excuses, just tired.

The original "Peter Pan" is a fantastic book for reading out loud to your kids.  The sentence structures are great.  The story is great, etc.

I was really happy that Mee-mee and Paw-paw gave us the blue Bible story books when you all were young and we could share those together.  I remember reading those bible story books as a kid and it was great to share them with you all.

2- Individually praying for you and tucking you into bed every night.

We prayed for you when you were too young to pray and then listened to your prayers as you got older.  It was great when you would request us to pray with you and for you.

3- Being involved in your activities

Music was probably the biggest intentional thing we shared.  It was so fun to watch you all grow in your musical abilities and see you bless others with your abilities.  Accompanying you all at numerous IHSA events or other auditions is another great memory.

While none of you continued with sports, our few years as coach / father / son in baseball and basketball was an intentional activity we shared.  Of course I won't go into detail in this posting when Jonathan was an umpire in little league and umped a game where I was coaching Peter's team.  That's part of another book.  It was a growing experience for both of us.

Who knows what your kids will do, but intentionally be involved in their life.  And don't wait till they're at 'the right age'.  Start from the time they're born.  Make it a priority.

Accidental Impact

- Boy scouts

That pretty much sums it up.  I didn't have good experiences with the short time I was in scouts as a kid and had never thought about getting you all involved in scouts.  However, I'm very thankful Jennifer got you all going as Tigers.  And as all three of you are Eagles, I'd say you are glad too.

Scouts is a great program that can teach great life skills - if you have the right adults involved.  If you have sons I hope you can share scouts with them and you'll be one of those adults who can help lead your sons and others.

While only Peter was interested in doing Philmont, that was a great time together.  We'd both go back to Philmont in a heartbeat.  And none of us will forget the Klondike derby sleeping in tents in -6 degree weather.  Watching all three of you lead the whole troop as the Senior Patrol Leader was an incredible experience.

Shared experiences - that's one of the things scouts can provide and I hope you can share with your kids.  If not scouts, shared experiences, that's a great thing.

Ideas for posting

1. Ways to serve
2. Are you a leader or a servant?
3. Be a super model, not a talking head.
4. How do you model being a husband to your kids? 
5. What scriptures have helped you as a Dad (and provide some examples, anecdotes, etc.)? 
6. How do you balance work and family? 
7. What do you do when you’re trying to relax and your son wants to play? 
8. How do you help your kids learn to make decisions? 
9. How should discipline change as kids grow? 
10. How do you teach your kids to make good decisions?

I'll be sharing about these in the coming weeks / months / etc. and welcome you to join the conversation.